Then Sings My Soul

Yesterday I mentioned that Levi and I shared our "What God Has Done in Our Lives" testimony in Bible study.  I was pretty sure I would be able to get through the testimony without crying, but another couple brought their newborn and shared that they named the baby after a fellow church member who was there to help them in a time of need. This made me feel the waterworks building before we addressed the class.

Once we took the podium, the tears began to fall when I started to speak. I didn't think I'd be able to do it. Levi saved the day with starting off our story. That gave me a minute to compose myself and carry out what I wanted to say.

I am blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over. I want to gush about the miraculous baby growing inside me, but the doubt I had in God needs to be admitted first. It's hard for me to see that in black and white. I doubted God.

The Mercy Me song, "You Are I Am" sums up some of the feelings I had at one point of our infertility struggle.

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt your love
I've told myself You're not enough

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who you are

I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am, You cannot reach

I was hurt, disappointed, angry. Who was the easiest one to point my fury to? God. I knew deep down this was wrong, but the anger towards him would not go away. Thankfully, my good friend Kim set me straight. She told me what I needed to hear to shake me to my core and bring me back to God's side- just where He wants me to be.

It wasn't until after I was able to sing the rest of the Mercy Me song and truly believe it with my heart and soul was I able to become pregnant.

You're the One who conquers giants
You're the One who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the One who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the One Messiah
You are I Am

In other words, I gave all my worries, fears and doubts to Him and experienced a beautiful freedom that I never thought possible. My new attitude on every worry in life, not just getting pregnant, became "God is in control. If it happens- fantastic. If it doesn't, God will take care of me, comfort me, and bring me what I need." It's very easy to speak those words and not really believe it. I know from experience. Once those words had true meaning in every bone in my body, I felt transformed.

Hallelujah, He lives in me

We talked about other parts of IVF that challenged our faith. For example, when I had all these plans for twins and the freezing of embryos for later use, that made God laugh. We had only one embryo survive. The doubt set in, yet I reminded myself that God would be with me, no matter the outcome be good news or bad news. The outcome was obviously a glorious one!

Everyone in class was extremely supportive and appreciated us sharing. We were pretty nervous and first, but when we were done, we were glad we shared. It was a fun experience!

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